The Woman I love
by bellumjustum
Summary: A few of Jack’s thoughts as he faces death. Best summary I can do, sorry. 91204 fixed some format issues.


Title: The Woman I love

Category: S/J Romance, Jack POV

Summary: A few of Jack's thoughts as he faces death.

Rating: uh, PG?

Status: complete

Season/series: Any with Daniel

Spoilers: That whole Zar'tac thingy (how is that spelled anyway?)

Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate, the characters, the actors or any portion of the United States Military. I have less than no money (I knew that whole negative numbers thing would come in handy sometime, kids this is why you need to learn math) nor do I want money (just kidding, I don't want any money for THIS, because that would be against the law or something)

Archive: Yes please, (the only place I know for Stargate fics) anywhere else you like just please let me know where to put it (I mean where YOU put it, and send me that way for good fics please).

Feedback: Of course, you have to ask?

Email: please put something in the subject line so I know it's not junk.

Authors Notes: Well, this was a quick little thing that just sort of wrote itself, all between midnight and 2am on Friday September 10, 2004. This is my first published fanfic, and my first SG-1 fic. Any reviews would be appreciated, hints, accolades, whatever you want. Thank you for reading my story. Anything else? Oh yes, there was no beta reader for this one, since this is my first fic and all, any of you want to volunteer in the off chance I write another story knock yourself out.

And now without further ado

**The Woman I love**

"Goddamn it Carter! Just go that's a fucking order" now this was some definite deja vu going on right now, except last time she had been the one trapped, begging me to leave her. Now I was ordering, begging pleading for her to go, to leave me, anything so that she didn't die with me. Here I was, Jack O'Neill full colonel in the United States Air Force, intergalactic bad ass, and I was stuck like a bug to fly paper. Stuck under a damn rock, I of course will blame the Jaffa that had caused said rock to stick me.

Maybe I should start from the beginning, yeah, that's it. We had gated to this planet, P something something – whatever for a quick look around, pretty standard stuff. The Stargate was in a depression; there was a high rock wall, or ridge around the gate, about 150 meters away from it and the DHD, there was only one pass cut through the rock. I'm not quite sure it was all natural and all, but what do I care? So we head through the cut in the rocks, and down the mountain we found ourselves on, Carter muttering something about extinct volcanoes or something, I just let her go on, not because I understood what she was saying (although I'm not as dumb as people say… quite) but because I could listen to her for hours, just the sound of her voice, the voice of the woman I love. There, I said it, I love Samantha Carter, she knows, or at least I think she does (what does "care for way more than I'm supposed to" mean if not love?) but I haven't told her. We left it in the room, it may not have been the thing that I wanted to do, but it was what we had to do.

I can tell you don't understand, that's ok, you're young still. You don't really understand what duty means till you're as old as I am, till you have done the things that I have, and I've done some damned distasteful things in the service of my country. You still think that true love conquers all, hold on to that, that one thing may be the best lie you ever tell yourself. And as you get older you tell yourself a lot of lies, you tell yourself that the greater good is done by the things you have to do, the things that you have done. You tell yourself that you don't tell her you love her because it would be better if she didn't know, because then she could find happiness with someone else. You don't tell yourself you don't tell her because you're afraid, me? Afraid? I know, how did that happen, I've jumped out of airplanes, I've saved Earth, I've been tortured, hell, I've killed gods, many times over in fact. But I'm afraid of a tall blond woman; I'm afraid that I will look into her eyes and not see the love that I need to see there. I'm rambling, must be the blood loss, we, that is me, Carter, Daniel and Teal'c, made contact with the natives, who spoke Russian of all things (Daniel thinks that the Tunguska blast in Siberia in 1908 was actually the Goa'uld, somehow, who am I to say no?) we talked for a bit, met the chief of the Mir (small collective village) and were on our way back when all hell broke loose. All hell being Jaffa and Death Gliders of course, about 50 Jaffa from the forests at the base of the mountain where the village was, and 2 gliders flying top cover.

We were seriously outnumbered so I ordered us to fall back; I was hoping to go get some help, like a couple more SG teams to help us out. We had taken out some of the Jaffa as we were falling back, but they must have known who we were (momma always wanted me to make a name for myself) since about half of them started chasing us. Good thing for us it isn't exactly easy to run up a mountain in Jaffa armor, Daniel and Teal'c were moving as one pair with me and Carter the other, one covering, one moving, we were running back through the gap in the rock, the Jaffa hot on our heels when the gliders made an appetence, firing on the gap, they didn't actually hit us, but they did knock some big ass rocks loose, one of which landed on me, and when I say big ass rocks I mean big ass rocks, too big to move big ass rocks. I don't know if I was lucky or not, but I had been knocked to the ground by the shockwave and thus wasn't hit straight on by the falling rock, instead it got my leg (and my knee damn it, not my knee, again) and pinned me down. I could still sit up, back against the wall of the pass, and I still had a great line of fire back the way the Jaffa were coming. There was nothing we could do to get the rock off of my leg. It wasn't going anywhere, so neither was I, I had been in worse spots than this, not many, but it had been done, me and death were old friends, but we never quite caught up to each other, this time how could we miss?

My life didn't flash before my eyes; she did, her face, her smile, her laugh, I knew I was going to die, I didn't want her to die, I didn't want her to see me die. So I told her to leave me but she refused. "you don't leave us behind sir, so I'm not going to leave you" she didn't sound sorry to disobeying an order "Carter, those Jaffa are going to be here any second, you have to go brief Hammond and get reinforcements" maybe an appeal to duty would get me farther than an order "Daniel and Teal'c will do that sir" so I'm 0 for 2 right now, I can tell my leg is shattered, I can see the ground turning red where my blood is flowing out of the broken arteries and veins. I suddenly picture her, her blood staining the ground like mine did, it was one of the saddest things I had ever seen. Snap out of it O'Neill, you hadn't seen it yet, there's still time, I could feel my life flowing out, flowing out with the blood, I don't know how long I had, but it would be long enough, long enough for one last play.

"Sam go, don't stay here, you'd just die, leave me" "why?" damn you Carter, just accept there are some things you don't need to know. Fine, you want to know? I'll tell you "because I don't want to die knowing the woman I love would die too" I suppose I feared her death more than I feared her rejection "sir that's no reason to... you, you love me?" look at that, a doctorate in theoretical astrophysics, a warrior and the ability to navigate thousands of light years and she still looks shocked. "Sam, you have to go now" I could hear the clank of Jaffa armor. I looked over her shoulder to see Teal'c standing here, he could read my eyes, he knew what I wanted, no, needed him to do. "Teal'c take care of her" I didn't want to say good bye not to Teal'c, not to Daniel, not to Carter, to Sam, only now could I think of her as Sam, she won't be my 2IC for long she won't be mine for long "it has been an honor to do battle at your side O'Neill" "thanks Teal'c, give my best to spacemonkey" and with that I nod at him, he knows, and he will obey, bless him. Teal'c picks up Car… Sam, and throws her over his shoulder, carrying her back to the Stargate. Just in time too, as the first Jaffa come into view. They may kill me, but they will not kill me with out a fight. As the sounds of battle die down and darkness overtakes me I smile, they may kill me, but they won't kill the woman I love.


End file.
